Relationship Habits

The #1 SECRET To A Happy Relationship.

I want to share with you the #1 secret to a happy relationship which has resolved a lot of issues for me.

Relationships aren’t easy. I think we can all agree on that, right? They take time, effort, and hard work from both sides to keep it on a path of longevity. To reach that ripe old age together where you can sit back and reminisce over 30, 50, or even 60 years of good times.

I have made it a mission of mine to find all the various tool and techniques to a thriving relationship and there is one that sticks out to me above all of the rest.

The #1 Secret To A Happy Relationship is…

YOU must be responsible for your OWN happiness.

a happy relationship

Now, you might be like me and not appreciate this simple rule immediately.

When I first heard this on a Tim Ferris podcast with Jim Dethmer (Which I certainly encourage you to watch HERE! It is not relationship-centered but has some great life advice across the board) I was quick to roll my eyes and tut.

Suddenly there is this communications expert telling me that I should not expect my partner to make me happy?

So whose responsibility is it?!

Oh, that’s right. Mine.

I will try to explain to you, in less eloquent words than our good friend Jim, why this particular secret to a happy relationship is so important.

In all areas of life; relationships, friendships, work, travel etc… there are so many elements that are out of your control. So many! However, your happiness is too important for you to to let someone else be responsible for it.

a happy relationship
I am giving you the gift of responsibility for my happiness…You’re welcome.

If there is one thing in your entire life that you want to keep your hands on as much as possible so that you give yourself the best chance of managing it YOURSELF, it’s your happiness. Here’s why…

Putting The Responsibility On Them To Make You Happy Is a Recipe For Disaster!

The truth is you and only you truly know what you NEED and WANT to make you happy.

And if your relationship is a tad rocky, this may be a good place to start getting back on track.

I know what you might be thinking, ‘well, what I need and want to make me happy is to have a happy relationship‘.

I understand what you are saying but here’s the rub, you have to forget about your happiness surrounding the relationship and focus on your individual happiness FIRST.

take responsibility for your own happiness
Your partner might not know that blowing bubbles would be the perfect uplift. But you do.

By placing your happiness in their hands you are asking them to reach and manage expectations that are too high.

What I mean by this is that your partner does not know and cannot help you find happiness in other aspects of your life.

To maintain this relationship you have to be in a good place in yourself, regardless of your partner’s involvement, and making it their job to provide you with fulfillment and joy is not something you want to risk.

Putting the onus on them to make things happen; organize trips/excursions/experiences/gifts/romance…this takes the control out of your hands and puts it into theirs and guess what?

They have a much higher chance of failing at making you happy than you do.

Not only this, you are unknowingly creating tension in your relationship by placing this huge duty on this mere human.

a happy relationship
The responsibility of someone else’s happiness can cause extreme distress.

Can you imagine the immense strain of being responsible for someone else’s happiness? Perhaps you can.

Maybe in your relationship, this is a problem from both sides and you are both trying to manage each other’s happiness, rather than your own.

Switch it up. Find what gives you meaning and fulfillment in YOUR life and work on that. Ask them to do the same. In this situation lies the path to a strong relationship because what makes a happy couple? Two happy individuals.

Happiness Is A By-Product Of A Relationship

Tom Bilyeu is an entrepreneur, motivational speaker and all round top guy.

If you’re seeking some great advice for life then you want to be following this man on EVERYTHING.

Recently he made an excellent comment regarding things you need to know before committing to a relationship and I really feel as though it ties in neatly with my #1 secret to a happy relationship.

Happiness is a by-product of a relationship.

Tom Bilyeu

(Check out the conversation between Tom and Lisa Bilyeu for more cracking relationship advice!)

When you’re in a relationship you are not only seeking happiness you are seeking companionship, security, support, comfort and so much more.

And much like happiness these are all a BY-PRODUCT of a relationship.

Relationships take graft, commitment, and hard work. You put the time and effort in to find the ebb and flow, the back and forth between you, to work toward a place that has structure and strong foundations to build upon.

a happy relationship takes hard work

To build towards having the pay off of the above by-products. This is why you MUST be responsible for your own happiness.

When you take responsibility for your own happiness you:

  1. Have a better chance of being successful and achieving it because YOU KNOW what you want and need.
  2. You relieve them of the pressure of holding your happiness in their hands. This only adds tension and pressure to their lives and then guess what? They probably aren’t so happy about that!

There is a difference between supporting someone in their struggles and TAKING ON their struggles.

There is a difference between supporting someone in seeking happiness and being RESPONSIBLE for it.

It is important to distinguish between the two and re-evaluate things if you feel that your relationship generally sits in the latter.

A Happy Relationship, Again…

Be responsible for your own happiness.

This is the #1 secret to a happy relationship. It may seem contradictory, after all we seem to grow up learning that love = happiness.

fairy tale relationship
We fantasize about the fairy-tale relationship. Silly Disney, getting our hopes up.

Therefore THEY must make ME happy. And that’s not wrong.

Love can and should provide happiness in abundance when the relationship is strong and healthy.

But the number one thing that couples get wrong is burdening their partner with the weight of being accountable for the happiness of the other. This is most evident in highly co-dependent partnerships.

Their need and want to be near each other and with each other always is a manifestation of the notion that ‘the other person makes me happy‘.

Of course, this is a lovely idea but we all know that actually, this kind of relationship can be very toxic.

a happy relationship
Breathe. Give each other time and space to work on yourselves – the benefits of this will feed into your relationship.

It leaves little room for errors. Both parties have no time for themselves, space to breathe, or the ability to think about themselves; their wants and needs.

It may seem romantic but it is quite the opposite.

These kinds of relationships are often fraught with tension as the intensity of their need to get their happiness from one another ultimately leads to the upset of either one or both when their expectations and needs are not met.

Keep that which is so important to you, your happiness, under your control. Manage it yourself.

Find what makes you feel good and do it, don’t wait for your partner to realize that this is what you need and provide it for you because maybe they never will.

Be happy in yourself and be a strong support for them. Once you have BOTH mastered this then your relationship will thrive as you flourish as individuals.


About Emma Loveday

Hi there! My name is Emma, founder and writer of 'A Resilience Mindset'. Lover of slippers, 13% vol red wine, online courses (I don't care, you don't know me!) and queso, obviously. I'm currently in the process of writing my new book, 'The Art Of Living A Good Life: 12 Uncommon Lessons For A Positive Existence'. Check out @resiliencemindsetwithemma on Instagram for the latest updates and all of the juicy goodness. Any questions? Just drop me a DM at hello@resilienthumans.co.uk or jump in the comment section below, I'd love to hear from you. No, truly I would.
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